The Age - "We are family" by Steve Dow

Same-sex families say new local and international laws supporting them are great, but more change is needed. Steve Dow reports.

THEY met playing soccer while studying at Melbourne University 16 years ago. Jewish Canadian visitor Sarah Nichols thought English-born Jacqueline Tomlins was "funny and smart and she didn't think I was this North American freakazoid". Tomlins admired Nichols' "zest and enthusiasm and passion for life".

Long-haired lawyer Nichols, now 40, still speaks with her Toronto lilt, and short-haired, bespectacled writer Tomlins, 44, retains the precise vowels of north London's Hertfordshire.

Having been born here, their children — son Corin, 5½, and daughters Scout and Cully, soon to turn 3 and 1 respectively — naturally are developing an Aussie intonation.

Harmony is the shared dialectic as this family of five sit on the porch of their Kew home. Corin runs through the leaves of the front yard, punting the footy. His two mums help out at school; other mums and dads and neighbours readily accept them, they say.

There's no obvious discrimination in their day-to-day lives but many same-sex couples find there are plenty of anachronistic anomalies that can kick hard in both Victorian and federal law. However, change is afoot.

British Parliament this week made it legal for a child to have two mothers and no father after MPs voted to take away the need for fathers when parents undergo fertility treatment.

The Victorian Law Reform Commission has recommended same-sex partners be both recognised as parents. In December last year, the state's Attorney-General, Rob Hulls, promised to adopt the change, as well as allowing lesbians to access IVF. Tomlins and Nichols are cautiously optimistic that the changes will pass through the Victorian Parliament.

Nichols — who conceived the three children using IVF technology and donor sperm — works at a city law fi rm; Tomlins stays home and writes and cares for the children.

Ask Corin and Scout, "Who is mummy?", and they point to Tomlins. The children call Nichols "ema", which is Hebrew for mother. The kids have met their sperm donor, a family man with kids of his own. They call him Donor Dave.

"When people refer to me as ‘Mummy' in front of the children, the children look blankly around for Jac," Nichols says. But "Jac" or "Mummy" has no legal standing as Corin, Scout and Cully's mother.

Despite being the children's primary caregiver, Tomlins has no legislated parental rights.

The law's disregard for her role, apart from the welfare implications for the children should Nichols die, has had a particular emotional impact.

"Sarah and I decided to have kids a long time ago; it was a very long journey having them," Tomlins recalls. "I was there from deciding to conceiving. I was there when they were born and gave them their first bath and their first hug while Sarah was taken to recovery.

"For me, to still have that hanging over me — that I'm not legally recognised as their mum, when I am — that's really hard. Having my name on their birth certificate would be an enormous relief for me, knowing that the society I live in recognises my relationship with my kids."

Before their first child was conceived, Tomlins tried unsuccessfully through 10 gruelling rounds of IVF and donor sperm to become pregnant herself, travelling interstate to circumvent Victorian laws barring lesbians from using IVF.

Nichols was able to access IVF in Victoria only because she had endometriosis.

The couple want same-sex marriage in Australia, too.

They married in a ceremony in Nichols' hometown in Toronto in 2003, given Canada allows same-sex marriage; so too does the Netherlands, Belgium, South Africa and Spain, while the UK, New Zealand, France, Switzerland, Germany, Hungary, Sweden and nine other countries have nationwide civil unions or registered partnership schemes.

The Rudd Government — despite a commitment earlier this month to amend 100 federal laws that discriminate against same-sex couples in areas such as superannuation, tax, wills and social security — has confirmed there will be no national marriage or civil union scheme for same-sex couples.

Nichols and Tomlins are not enamoured with the Brumby Government's compromise: allowing same-sex couples to enter their relationship on a state registry, with no formal ceremony allowed.

"I'm not going to sign — I have a marriage certificate," Nichols says. "I think you register your dog; you don't register a relationship."

KIERAN McGREGOR and Tim Hunter met in a chat room on the internet in 1998. "Tim had a photograph of me, which is a bit unfair, because he knew what I looked like," red-headed McGregor, 36, recalls.

"But we were talking very easily to each other." McGregor got to see Hunter for the first time when they agreed to meet late at night at a Hawthorn cafe, the suburb where they now live together.

"I saw this guy up the road and thought, ‘He's kind of cute'," McGregor says.

Hunter, 41, laughs at the memory. "There was an ease and an honesty and a respect," he recalls.

They shared a white-picket fence ideal, and over the years Hunter, who had previously been married to a woman, "supported the discussion" of social worker McGregor's wish to have kids. The two men eventually settled for an apartment and two cats.

The pair have a good relationship with Hunter's parents now, but there was some distance early on because of the family's religious beliefs.

Hunter and McGregor had a commitment ceremony, which has no legal standing, in 1999.

"We didn't set out to mimic marriage," Hunter says.

"We wanted to show to our family and friends that we loved each other and we were committed to each other."

He says it was a relief they didn't need a priest or bridesmaids or best men. They wrote their own vows and made each other cry.

Will they sign the Victorian partnerships register? They're not sure. "I'm disappointed that it doesn't have more meaning," McGregor says.

"I also recognise it's an important first step. We've talked about signing it."

Says Hunter: "It's an important legal recognition of our relationship, but I don't think we need to sign it to demonstrate our love and commitment. The fact we're still together 10 years later speaks for itself."

Both men would like to see a federal civil partnerships scheme introduced but would rather it was not called marriage.

"I know there's all these arguments that say having a ceremony is going to equal it to marriage for gay people, that it's going to undermine the institution of marriage," Hunter says.

"I think marriage does a good enough job of undermining itself.

"However, I'm glad we don't have to go along with all that stuff. That's one of the beauties of gay relationships; each one is completely different and we can make it up as we go along."

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